Fear of intimacy is more than a commitment phobia, a dating famine, or fear of women. It's a fear of losing yourself that suffocates your ability to love.
Defining fear of intimacy may be different from person to person, but there is an underlying theme. Fear of intimacy involves caring about another person as much as you care about yourself, which leaves you vulnerable and open to rejection, hurt and betrayal.
Fear of Intimacy Is about Self-protection
When you fear intimacy, you may be afraid of being consumed by another person, or being submersed in their personality or world. Fear of intimacy often involves a struggle to keep yourself separate from another person. You don’t want to lose yourself, so you hold back. Fear of intimacy can be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. In fact, it can involve all four levels of being, though it may be more prominent in one area or another. It can be commitment phobia or a general distance from other human beings.
You can struggle with a fear of intimacy or emotional distance even if you’re married or in a long-term relationship. You can fear intimacy and be emotionally distant or mentally isolated even if you have children and grandchildren.
Fear of intimacy is about protecting yourself.
How to Move Past Fears of Intimacy
Be realistic. There’s no doubt about it: you’re gonna get hurt. You’re vulnerable at every stage of the game: dating, engagement, marriage, children, second marriages, and senior citizen love triangles. Even if you love someone who loves you back wholeheartedly and vows to never hurt you, you’re taking a risk. Your partner could get hurt, develop cancer, or be stolen by alien cousins. If you have 10 healthy children, someone will break a leg or get dumped – and you’ll be hurt.
But as potentially risky as loving is, not loving is worse.
Feel your feelings. If you figure out the root cause of your fear of intimacy and let yourself feel your feelings, you may be more open to letting yourself love. For instance, just knowing that you fear intimacy because your mom died when you were five years old gives you options: working through your feelings through writing or painting, seeking counseling, or joining a bereavement support group (it’s never too late). Confessing your feelings to friends, family, the bartender or your pastor can make them less scary and more manageable – and someone will be able to relate, which will help you feel less alone.
Martha Beck says, “If you fall into intimacy without resistance, despite your alarm, either you will fall into love, which is exquisite, or love will fall into you, which is more exquisite. Do it enough, and you may just lose your fear of falling.” (from an article called “Lover’s Leap” in Oprah Magazine, June 2007).
As important as intimacy is, guard against intimacy overload by keeping a sense of yourself through your own friends, hobbies, and interests.
If you found Defining Fear of Intimacy helpful, try:
The copyright of the article Defining Fear of Intimacy in Child Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Defining Fear of Intimacy must be granted by the author in writing.
. What is<i>intimacy</i>? . What happens in the process we call <i>being intimate</i>? . What a<i>great subject </i>to bring up here at Suite101. . Isn't it being your inner most self and expressing that in the presence of and to any other human being(s)? Isn't that in a certain sense what happens here on the 'Net? Are we not able to express our inner most self through the process of telecommunication? Aren't we able to <i>be intellectually intimate</i> here at Suite101? . Have you noticed how some persons cannot handle the act of expressing their own self and their inner most thoughts for fear of rejection by some other participant? . What a<i>great subject </i>to bring up here at Suite101. .
Apr 9, 2008 5:35 PM
metwithsilence
:
i posted this under insecurities.. now i'm posting here... i'm hoping i receive a response b/c i'm not getting ANYTHING from him.
he, is my boyfriend whom i have just left.... unhappily.
*************
Please help!!
I have been dating this guy since Jan 25th who explained when we met that he was extremely introverted.
In the beginning, we had a great time. We went out dancing at STL's big Mardi Gras celebration (lots of people around). We had fun drinking water in his apartment with no media entertaining us. we saw movies on friday and read books in bed on sunday.... We had fun... slowly he began revealing facts about himself... i crave to know more but know i have to allow him to unfurl.
essentially, the first month was great. he writes a list of the 80 things he likes about me.. they include that,
we compete together and always win against our adversaries.. we have similar interests and styles.. he says that he likes that we can have a conversation where all he has to do is nod... with this list of 80 things, he buys me a pillow that i love and i tear up a bit thinking how lucky i am to have found this kind, beautiful guy....
we have sex and he says, 'sex with you is the best'----that's the first and only compliment(?) he gives me verbally.
the next six weeks, he began withdrawing.. big time. three weeks ago he told me he can only see me twice a week... friday he stood me up at my friends' performance that i gave him a week's notice of.. saturday we went for a long walk (that killed my feet-currently my feet all bandaged up from having 4 morton's neuromas removed this morning)... anyway, he and i went on a long walk saturday--he made NO motion to apologize for missing my friends' show... i let it go--i realize i set up expectations that he could not meet and that i effectively hurt myself. i feel this way and thus spend the two hours walking around (in pain, but not revealing the state of my injury) trying to have pleasant conversation.
he made one comment that i didn't extract from him---he said, 'well it's nice that it's becoming spring'... i probed why he felt that way, 'i don't know, i guess b/c it's getting warmer.' ok, i reply, and i ask what else does he like about spring... he tells me he doesn't know and asks what i like. i tell him 'late spring strawberries'.. he says, 'is that what you are all about?'... 'no i reply, it's just something i like about spring..'
