Spending time with the ex-husband or ex-wife may be unavoidable because of your kids, but is it healthy for divorced partners to be friends? Here's how you can tell.
Children may force you to stay in touch with your divorced husband or divorced wife, but how do you know when to let go of your ex-spouse as a friend and confidant? Divorced partners can be friends in certain circumstances, but in other circumstances it could be harmful for everyone.
Take Sally, for instance: she spends alot of time with her ex-husband. In fact, they often discuss her relationship with her current live-in boyfriend. Nothing is off limits – not even discussions about sex – though the ex-husband draws the line at spending the night at their house.
This may be an emotional affair. In this case, it may not be healthy for divorced partners to be friends.
Divorced partners can be friends -- sometimes!
Is spending time with the ex harmful or helpful to Sally and their kids? Even a divorce attorney can't say for sure because depends on several factors: trust, personality, comfort level, motivation, and so on. Each situation is different. Here are a few guidelines to help sort out whether divorced partners can be friends. ("Spending time" means one-on-one visits for lunch, dinner, movies, walks, telephone conversations, etc.)
It's harmful for divorced partners to be friends when you:
Aren't "over" your ex and still struggle with intimate feelings.
Want to re-establish an intimate relationship with your ex-wife or ex-husband.
Are with a current partner who isn't comfortable with it.
Have sex with your ex-husband or ex-wife.
Are more honest and authentic with your ex than your divorced partner (this is emotional intimacy).
Often turn to your ex-husband or ex-wife for advice and help.
Are abused by your ex-wife or ex-husband.
Fight with your divorced partner.
Have unresolved feelings, emotions, and conflicts about your divorced husband or wife.
Haven't established new friendships since you separated from your divorced partner.
Ask yourself: What's your motivation for spending time with your divorced wife or divorced husband? If you have healthy reasons, then spending time with your divorced partner may not be harmful.
It's helpful for divorced partners to be friends when you:
Can be with your ex and your current partner at the same time.
Have children with your divorced partner and share the responsibilities of raising them.
Had a strong friendship with your divorced partner when you were together that is naturally continuing.
Have a platonic, nonsexual relationship with your ex-husband or ex-wife.
Are supported by your current partner.
Have appropriate boundaries that you and your divorced partner are comfortable with.
Divorced partners can be friends if there's trust
Spending time with your ex-husband or ex-wife could raise issues of trust and jealousy in your current relationship. It may be a constant reminder to your partner that you did love this person, even if it was long ago, and you shared intimate moments with them. If your partner isn't comfortable with this, then maybe it's time to let go of your ex. After all, who's more important: your ex-spouse or your current partner?
Divorced partners can be friends if your current love is included
The ideal way to spend time with your ex-wife or ex-husband is by involving your current partner, too. Once your partner sees the innocense in your friendship, she may be more supportive. Divorced partners can be friends when the relationship is open and healthy.
Of course, if your ex abuses you or your children, it's never a good idea to spend time together! Also, make sure it's not a fear of intimacy with your current partner that's driving you back in time. Maybe you think divorced partners can be friends because you're afraid, not because you sincerely want to be friend with your ex-spouse.
If you found Divorced Partners Can Be Friends: How to Know When to Let Go of Your Spouse helpful, you might enjoy:
The copyright of the article Divorced Partners Can Be Friends in Child Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Divorced Partners Can Be Friends must be granted by the author in writing.
Comments
Feb 2, 2007 7:47 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
:
I'm not comfortable with my husband spending time with his exes, and I don't think it's a jealousy thing. I trust him and know he'd never go back or cheat on me, but....it just bothers me.
Can exes really be friends, or is there always that niggling thought or memory that you were once lovers? For me, the thought of the past is always there.
Feb 19, 2007 6:06 PM
jesika15
:
My ex husband is remarried and has been for six years, I have never remarried, by choice. My significant other and I are friends with both my ex and his wife, we go to dinner together and have Christmas together, including exchanging gifts, etc. My ex and I have two children together and there isnt any jealousy or trust issues, we obviously know that we are the parents to our two children and respect and appreciate what we like about each other and realize that we were just not good together. We both co-parent, if something is going on with our children, I call him and we handle it together and vica versa. When my ex-husband was thinking about opening his own business, he came to talk with me about it just because he knows I will tell him like it is, not just what he wants to hear. It has been so long that we havent been together that it is like we never were together, and we are just like lifetime friends. I have known him for 30yrs. Dont get me wrong, we do not hang around together all the time, but when we do it is not uncomfortable. My children really appreciate our effort and have learned valuable life lessons from their mom and dad because we do get along, and since we have split up my ex-husband has always gotten along with the guys I have dated, there has never been jealousy issues there either. In fact, my current significant other, calls my ex and sends work to him, talks with his wife, etc. Most people are shocked by how well we all get along.
Mar 18, 2007 8:26 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
:
Wow, that sounds like an ideal situation - and everyone seems so healthy and mature! It does make a difference if you have kids, I think -- that gives everyone an excellent reason to treat each other with respect and kindness. - Time really does make a difference. The longer I'm married, the less I care about his ex -- especially since they don't have any contact! But even if they did, I think I wouldn't be bothered. There are too many other, more important, things to put my energy towards. - Jesika, thanks for your post! I just saw it today (a month later). It got lost in the ether somehow...
Jun 5, 2008 4:07 PM
Guest
:
Ok, so here's my situation. And please tell me what's the best thing I should do: My fiancee has two kids with his ex-wife of 12 years. The girl is 14 and the boy is 10. I have no problems with them except that it just bothers me that for any little thing that goes on with the kids, or anything that changes in my life with him, his ex-wife has to be informed. Obviously things such as if we were to move to Zimbabwe would definitely be something she should know because of how it would affect the kids. But the fact that we had gotten pregnant a few months ago (which I ended up losing before the end of the 1st trimester anyway), she had to know. Last night they were on the phone for about 2 hours because she had heard from the kids that we were moving and she wasn't told. She flipped out on him for not telling her before telling the kids and for not telling her that we just recently got engaged, which she also heard from the kids. I just don't seem to understand how certain things like this should be her business. I mean, I don't care about what/when/where/why or how she does anything. I was next to him while he was talking to her and I over heard her ask him if I understood his situation exactly: that his first responsibility was to her and the kids and that although I don't have any responsibility towards her that I'm still with him, and why am I not making more money than I am right now. Obviously what I get from that comment is that all she cares about is money. I mean, on top of the fact that he covers her mortgage and property taxes, she makes good money herself and still says that she is getting a part time job. Sort of like to mind f**k him into giving her more money. I can't stand that she plays the card about the kids on him to get her way every time. I feel like every day I grow a new strand of gray hair. In fact, his ex before me left him after about 7 months of them living together because she couldn't take the situation anymore. Although she was Bipolar 2 Manic/Depressive, I can see why she couldn't handle it. However, I am completely sane and I feel like this is making me miserable. And by being miserable, it obviously affects my relationship with him. Now, don't get me wrong, I admire the fact that he does everything he can to co-parent with her, but I feel like she doesn't let him live his own life. I feel like she wants his life to revolve around the kids. What's going on here? Can someone please enlighten me? I need an out desperately!
