Surviving an Extramarital Affair

Reconnecting after Marital Infidelity or Emotional Cheating

Oct 3, 2007 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Adultery is a heart-breaking betrayal, whether it's emotional cheating or physical intimacy with another person. Here are five steps to surviving an extramarital affair.

We love to watch cheating spouses on Desperate Housewives, Dr Phil, and in American politics – but in reality it's one of the most painful betrayals a partner will ever experience. Surviving an extramarital affair takes courage, strength, and honesty. It may be easier to divorce after infidelity, but surviving an affair can lead to better relationships and deeper connections.

Some marriages are stronger after marital infidelity. It depends on many factors: why one person strayed, how long it continued, whether it's over, how it was discovered and the type of extramarital affair (for example, emotional cheating versus a one-night stand are two very different types of betrayal).

Once you decide to stay together after an extramarital affair, it's important to keep these "five steps to surviving an extramarital affair" fresh in your mind.

Five steps to surviving an extramarital affair:

1. Recognize your role. If your spouse had an emotional affair or was physically unfaithful, try to understand how and why your marriage was suffering. Two people contribute to an unhappy marriage. Consider marital counseling to help you and your spouse see how, why, and when your relationship faltered.

2. Be open to change. Neither you nor your spouse is perfect, but you both need to be open to recognizing your flaws and making changes that will improve your communication, interaction, and commitment.

3. Limit your questions. According to Gary Neuman (author of Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid It), "this issues is controversial among marital therapists." You may feel that you can deal with the extramarital affair better if you know the details, yet knowing everything can prolong the pain. Dr Neuman recommends discussing the questions that will help you survive marital infidelity.

"There are some questions you are entitled to know the answers to," says Gary Neuman. These include: who was it, how did you meet, how long did the relationship last, do you have a relationship now, does anyone else know, and why did you have the affair?

4. Don't keep bringing the extramarital affair up. After you've received a genuine apology and a reassurance that it'll never happen again, put it behind you. Don't bring it up during arguments or discussions.

5. Resolve to move on. Let go of the past after you've created a plan for surviving infidelity. See the extramarital affair as a terrible mistake when your marriage was suffering – and as a vehicle for creating a more vibrant, honest, and trusting marriage.

(Source: Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid It by Gary Neuman)

If you found How to Survive an Extramarital Affair helpful, try:

• After You've Betrayed Your Spouse
• How Emotional Cheating Starts
• Avoiding Emotional Infidelity

The copyright of the article Surviving an Extramarital Affair in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Surviving an Extramarital Affair in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

How to Survive an Extramarital Affair

Comments

Oct 17, 2009 8:11 PM

Guest :

The advice here is MUCH easier said than done. I obviously know I need to put it behind me if I'm going to stay in a relationship where my significant other cheated. I read the article to find helpful advice to get me through that process. Simply telling someone to put it behind them is kind of like telling someone who's never looked under the hood of a car to fix the engine. Obviously they wanted to know HOW to fix it.

Oct 18, 2009 6:05 PM

Guest :

Or, how do you even confront the spouse that you have found out that there was something going on outside the marriage, over a year ago. When cleaning old papers I noticed an old phone bill with detailed call history that was very suspect, all times of the night, numerous early morning calls and mid-day calls. We were having difficulty during this time and was seperated during this timeframe. We are now reconciled but I ran accross this telephone log and want to ask questions. Please advise.

Oct 20, 2009 4:59 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

That can be very disruptive to a marriage – to discover evidence of a possible past affair!

Yes, I think you should talk to him about what you found. I’ve offered more suggestions about how to do this – and why I think you should – in a post I just wrote for my Psychology blog. It’s called “Should I Talk to My Husband About a Possible Past Affair?” and it offers a few things to think about.

To read that post, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “Should I Talk to My Husband About a Possible Past Affair?” – you’ll also find it in the Oct, 2009 section on the side panel.

I hope it helps, and welcome more comments or questions.

Best wishes,
Laurie

3 Comments