Spending time with the ex-husband or ex-wife may be unavoidable because of your kids, but is it healthy for divorced partners to be friends? Here's how you can tell.

Children may force you to stay in touch with your divorced husband or divorced wife, but how do you know when to let go of your ex-spouse as a friend and confidant? Divorced partners can be friends in certain circumstances, but in other circumstances it could be harmful for everyone.

Take Sally, for instance: she spends alot of time with her ex-husband. In fact, they often discuss her relationship with her current live-in boyfriend. Nothing is off limits – not even discussions about sex – though the ex-husband draws the line at spending the night at their house.

This may be an emotional affair. In this case, it may not be healthy for divorced partners to be friends.

Divorced partners can be friends -- sometimes!

Is spending time with the ex harmful or helpful to Sally and their kids? Even a divorce attorney can't say for sure because depends on several factors: trust, personality, comfort level, motivation, and so on. Each situation is different. Here are a few guidelines to help sort out whether divorced partners can be friends. ("Spending time" means one-on-one visits for lunch, dinner, movies, walks, telephone conversations, etc.)

It's harmful for divorced partners to be friends when you:

1. Aren't "over" your ex and still struggle with intimate feelings.
2. Want to re-establish an intimate relationship with your ex-wife or ex-husband.
3. Are with a current partner who isn't comfortable with it.
4. Have sex with your ex-husband or ex-wife.
5. Are more honest and authentic with your ex than your divorced partner (this is emotional intimacy).
6. Often turn to your ex-husband or ex-wife for advice and help.
7. Are abused by your ex-wife or ex-husband.
8. Fight with your divorced partner.
9. Have unresolved feelings, emotions, and conflicts about your divorced husband or wife.
10. Haven't established new friendships since you separated from your divorced partner.

Ask yourself: What's your motivation for spending time with your divorced wife or divorced husband? If you have healthy reasons, then spending time with your divorced partner may not be harmful.

It's helpful for divorced partners to be friends when you:

1. Can be with your ex and your current partner at the same time.
2. Have children with your divorced partner and share the responsibilities of raising them.
3. Had a strong friendship with your divorced partner when you were together that is naturally continuing.
4. Have a platonic, nonsexual relationship with your ex-husband or ex-wife.
5. Are supported by your current partner.
6. Have appropriate boundaries that you and your divorced partner are comfortable with.

Divorced partners can be friends if there's trust

Spending time with your ex-husband or ex-wife could raise issues of trust and jealousy in your current relationship. It may be a constant reminder to your partner that you did love this person, even if it was long ago, and you shared intimate moments with them. If your partner isn't comfortable with this, then maybe it's time to let go of your ex. After all, who's more important: your ex-spouse or your current partner?

Divorced partners can be friends if your current love is included

The ideal way to spend time with your ex-wife or ex-husband is by involving your current partner, too. Once your partner sees the innocense in your friendship, she may be more supportive. Divorced partners can be friends when the relationship is open and healthy.

Of course, if your ex abuses you or your children, it's never a good idea to spend time together! Also, make sure it's not a fear of intimacy with your current partner that's driving you back in time. Maybe you think divorced partners can be friends because you're afraid, not because you sincerely want to be friend with your ex-spouse.

If you found Divorced Partners Can Be Friends: How to Know When to Let Go of Your Spouse helpful, you might enjoy:

• Emotional Affairs
• Single Parents Dating
• Leaving Your Comfort Zone

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