Children may force you to stay in touch with your divorced husband or divorced wife, but how do you know when to let go of your ex-spouse as a friend and confidant? Divorced partners can be friends in certain circumstances, but in other circumstances it could be harmful for everyone.
Take Sally, for instance: she spends alot of time with her ex-husband. In fact, they often discuss her relationship with her current live-in boyfriend. Nothing is off limits – not even discussions about sex – though the ex-husband draws the line at spending the night at their house.
This may be an emotional affair. In this case, it may not be healthy for divorced partners to be friends.
Is spending time with the ex harmful or helpful to Sally and their kids? Even a divorce attorney can't say for sure because depends on several factors: trust, personality, comfort level, motivation, and so on. Each situation is different. Here are a few guidelines to help sort out whether divorced partners can be friends. ("Spending time" means one-on-one visits for lunch, dinner, movies, walks, telephone conversations, etc.)
It's harmful for divorced partners to be friends when you:
It's helpful for divorced partners to be friends when you:
Spending time with your ex-husband or ex-wife could raise issues of trust and jealousy in your current relationship. It may be a constant reminder to your partner that you did love this person, even if it was long ago, and you shared intimate moments with them. If your partner isn't comfortable with this, then maybe it's time to let go of your ex. After all, who's more important: your ex-spouse or your current partner?
The ideal way to spend time with your ex-wife or ex-husband is by involving your current partner, too. Once your partner sees the innocense in your friendship, she may be more supportive. Divorced partners can be friends when the relationship is open and healthy.
Of course, if your ex abuses you or your children, it's never a good idea to spend time together! Also, make sure it's not a fear of intimacy with your current partner that's driving you back in time. Maybe you think divorced partners can be friends because you're afraid, not because you sincerely want to be friend with your ex-spouse.
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