Spending time with your ex-husband or ex-wife may be unavoidable because of kids, but is it healthy for divorced partners to be friends? These suggestions may help.
Children may be the reason people stay in touch with ex-husbands or ex-wives, but can divorced partners be friends? Yes, in certain circumstances -- but sometimes staying friends after divorce is harmful for everyone. Here's how to survive a separation and divorce (without repeated calls to your divorce lawyer or mediator!).
Take Kim, for instance. This ex-wife spends alot of time with Brian, her ex-husband. In fact, they often discuss her relationship with her current live-in boyfriend. Nothing is off limits – not even discussions about physical intimacy – though her ex-husband draws the line at spending the night at their house.
Kim is having trouble letting go of her ex-husband - and is flirting with an emotional affair. In this case, it may not be healthy for divorced partners to be friends.
Divorced Partners Can Be Friends -- Sometimes!
Is spending time with the ex-husband harmful or helpful to Kim and her children? Even a divorce lawyer can't say for sure because depends on several factors: trust, personality, comfort level, motivation, and so on. Each situation is different.
Here are a few guidelines to help sort out whether divorced partners can be friends with ex-wives or ex-husbands (here, "spending time" means one-on-one visits for lunch, dinner, movies, walks, telephone conversations, etc.)
It's Harmful for Divorced Partners to be Friends When They:
Aren't "over" the ex and still struggle with intimate feelings.
Want to re-establish an intimate relationship with the ex-wife or ex-husband.
Are with a current partner who isn't comfortable with it.
Have sex with the ex-husband or ex-wife.
Are more honest and authentic with the ex than your divorced partner (this is emotional intimacy).
Often turn to the ex-husband or ex-wife for advice and help.
Are abused by the ex-wife or ex-husband.
Fight with the divorced partner.
Have unresolved feelings, emotions, and conflicts about the divorced husband or wife.
Haven't established new friendships since separating from the divorced partner.
If you're wondering if you can be friends with your ex-husband or ex-wife, ask what your motivation for spending time with your divorced partner is. If you have healthy reasons, then spending time with your divorced partner may not be harmful.
It's Helpful for Divorced Partners to be Friends When They:
Can be with the ex-husband or ex-wife and the current partner at the same time.
Have children with the divorced partner and share the responsibilities of raising them.
Had a strong friendship with the divorced partner when together, which is naturally continuing.
Have a platonic, nonsexual relationship with the ex-husband or ex-wife.
Are supported by the current partner.
Have appropriate boundaries that the divorced partner is comfortable with.
Divorced Partners Can Be Friends if Trust Exists
Spending time with your ex-husband or ex-wife could raise issues of trust and jealousy in the current relationship. It may be a constant reminder to your partner that you did love this person, even if it was long ago, and you shared intimate moments with them. If your partner isn't comfortable with this, then maybe it's time to let go of your ex-husband or ex-wife. After all, who's more important: your ex-spouse or your current partner?
Divorced Partners Can Be Friends if Your Current Partner is Included
The ideal way to spend time with your ex-wife or ex-husband is by involving your current partner. Once your partner sees the innocence in your friendship, her or she may be more supportive. Divorced partners can be friends when the relationship is open and healthy.
Of course, if your ex-partner abuses you or your children, it's never a good idea to spend time together! Also, make sure it's not a fear of intimacy with your current partner that's driving you to your divorced partner. Maybe you think divorced partners can be friends because you're afraid -- not because you sincerely want to be friend with your ex-spouse.
If you found Can Divorced Partners Can Be Friends? helpful, try:
The copyright of the article Can Divorced Partners Be Friends? in Family Counselling is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Can Divorced Partners Be Friends? in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
I'm not comfortable with my husband spending time with his exes, and I
don't think it's a jealousy thing. I trust him and know he'd never go back
or cheat on me, but....it just bothers me.
Can exes really be
friends, or is there always that niggling thought or memory that you were
once lovers? For me, the thought of the past is always there.
Feb 19, 2007 6:06 PM
jesika15 :
My ex husband is remarried and has been for six years, I have never
remarried, by choice. My significant other and I are friends with both my
ex and his wife, we go to dinner together and have Christmas together,
including exchanging gifts, etc. My ex and I have two children together and
there isnt any jealousy or trust issues, we obviously know that we are the
parents to our two children and respect and appreciate what we like about
each other and realize that we were just not good together. We both
co-parent, if something is going on with our children, I call him and we
handle it together and vica versa. When my ex-husband was thinking about
opening his own business, he came to talk with me about it just because he
knows I will tell him like it is, not just what he wants to hear. It has
been so long that we havent been together that it is like we never were
together, and we are just like lifetime friends. I have known him for
30yrs. Dont get me wrong, we do not hang around together all the time, but
when we do it is not uncomfortable. My children really appreciate our
effort and have learned valuable life lessons from their mom and dad
because we do get along, and since we have split up my ex-husband has
always gotten along with the guys I have dated, there has never been
jealousy issues there either. In fact, my current significant other, calls
my ex and sends work to him, talks with his wife, etc. Most people are
shocked by how well we all get along.
Mar 18, 2007 8:26 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Wow, that sounds like an ideal situation - and everyone seems so healthy
and mature! It does make a difference if you have kids, I think -- that
gives everyone an excellent reason to treat each other with respect and
kindness. - Time really does make a difference. The longer I'm
married, the less I care about his ex -- especially since they don't have
any contact! But even if they did, I think I wouldn't be bothered. There
are too many other, more important, things to put my energy towards. - Jesika, thanks for your post! I just saw it today (a month later).
It got lost in the ether somehow...
Jun 5, 2008 4:07 PM
Guest :
Ok, so here's my situation. And please tell me what's the best thing I
should do: My fiancee has two kids with his ex-wife of 12 years. The girl
is 14 and the boy is 10. I have no problems with them except that it just
bothers me that for any little thing that goes on with the kids, or
anything that changes in my life with him, his ex-wife has to be informed.
Obviously things such as if we were to move to Zimbabwe would definitely be
something she should know because of how it would affect the kids. But the
fact that we had gotten pregnant a few months ago (which I ended up losing
before the end of the 1st trimester anyway), she had to know. Last night
they were on the phone for about 2 hours because she had heard from the
kids that we were moving and she wasn't told. She flipped out on him for
not telling her before telling the kids and for not telling her that we
just recently got engaged, which she also heard from the kids. I just don't
seem to understand how certain things like this should be her business. I
mean, I don't care about what/when/where/why or how she does anything. I
was next to him while he was talking to her and I over heard her ask him if
I understood his situation exactly: that his first responsibility was to
her and the kids and that although I don't have any responsibility towards
her that I'm still with him, and why am I not making more money than I am
right now. Obviously what I get from that comment is that all she cares
about is money. I mean, on top of the fact that he covers her mortgage and
property taxes, she makes good money herself and still says that she is
getting a part time job. Sort of like to mind f**k him into giving her more
money. I can't stand that she plays the card about the kids on him to get
her way every time. I feel like every day I grow a new strand of gray hair.
In fact, his ex before me left him after about 7 months of them living
together because she couldn't take the situation anymore. Although she was
Bipolar 2 Manic/Depressive, I can see why she couldn't handle it. However,
I am completely sane and I feel like this is making me miserable. And by
being miserable, it obviously affects my relationship with him. Now, don't
get me wrong, I admire the fact that he does everything he can to co-parent
with her, but I feel like she doesn't let him live his own life. I feel
like she wants his life to revolve around the kids. What's going on here?
Can someone please enlighten me? I need an out desperately!
Sep 26, 2008 10:43 AM
Guest :
It is healthy for my husband of more than 13 years to have
"feelings" and contact with his ex. Their son is 27 and goin
through a rough time and he feels the need to support her rather than me.
This has been going on for more than 2 years.
Jan 29, 2009 6:51 AM
Guest :
My ex and I were divorced 2 days ago. I think we were fairly civil during
our 6 month seperation, but there are 3 children involved and we have to
remain civil for their sake. We had our bad days where we would go to the
garage and argue, but for the most part we did okay. Then last night
happened. I was watching the kids while she went out. We had agreed that i
would sleep on the couch and leave for work in the morning. She came home
at 2am and tried having sex. She said that it could just be a "booty
call" with no emotions involved. She also said she had been waiting
for this for a long time. I was not comfortable with this. I am not seeing
anyone else, my only reason for saying no is I don't want to complicate
things any more than they already are. Obviously she felt rejected and
cried for hours. Do you think she was hoping we can get back together or do
you think she was just drunk and horny? I feel very uncomfortable going to
see the kids now because of the incident. She does not want to talk about
it and it seems as though we have lost all the civility that we have built
over the past 6 months. Any advice?
Feb 4, 2009 6:05 PM
Guest :
She was probably a little of both. My ex and I have been divorced for four
months and we've been very civil toward each other. But, now I am
beginning to feel we are 'too civil'. I know that I am still confused -
when he is nice to me, I wonder if there is a chance for us to get back
together. We are talking more now than we did in the last two years of our
marriage. I think you have to be very careful and not give any mixed
messages. I think my ex is giving mixed messages constantly and I am
trying to think of how to tell him we need to back off. For example, we
went out as a family for my daughter's birthday and when we came back to my
house, he stayed for an hour talking to me and then said, "do you need
a hug"? We ended up kissing and hugging for about 20 minutes. Then,
he said, let's go play tennis tomorrow. We did and when we finished, he
said, "you know, I just want to be friends with you". I feel
like he is playing with my emotions because he knew I didn't want the
divorce. So, while it is very noble to be civil with your ex, it is more
noble to be honest and consistent. I think you should calmly discuss the
other night with her and let her know that you guys are entering into a new
relationship. That you will always care for her but that the feelings of
man and wife are no longer there. Tell her you know it is hard and
confusing but the worst thing you could do to each other is continue the
confusion. And let her know you will be there to co-parent your children
together, but not to confuse the shared love you have for your children as
anything other than that. Good luck - you are entering a rollercoaster of
emotions over the next months, but if you remain open and honest, you both
will grow from this.
Apr 9, 2009 8:12 PM
Guest :
My ex and I have been broke up for 4 years. He has moved on and is now
living with his girlfriend and their child.
The problem is, is
that our relationship has never ended. Since the moment we broke up we have
spent each day on the phone, we have continued to engage in an intimate
relationship, we run to each other every time we have a problem, etc.
When we were together he cheated on me several times and it killed
me. I hated those girls. I hated them because they knew he had a girlfriend
and still gave in and yet I am now those same girls I have hated so much.
Sometimes I wonder how I ever ended up in this situation. How
hadnt I ever let go?? We do have children together and obviously will have
to remain in contact but how do I let go emotionally and physically? It's
somewhat strange because I do not have any thoughts or hopes of
reconciling. The thought of going through what I went through before makes
him off limits in the relationship category in my mind. Yet I have this
bond or maybe just a terribly unhealthy attachment to him. We have even
talked honestly about this, both of us wanting to walk away, and yet I am
still in the same spot.
I want to go on. He wants to stop doing
this to his current gf. Yet it never ends. One of my biggest issues is the
level of intimacy I share with him. He is comfortable to me. The sex was
and still is the greatest. Sometimes I wonder if I am just addicted to that
specifically but because the emotional aspect is still very clear on both
sides, and sometimes even others see it, I know it is not just a sexual
thing.
I know in my situation that this relationship needs to
end. Its unhealthy and we are taking some very big risks. I once asked him
if he ever thought about what it would be like if his gf found out and
stayed with him. How would that affect the kids going to/coming from each
others homes on weekends? Would they be treated differently because she
hates me? Would all interaction then have to take place between her and I,
not allowing him to have any communication with me?
This whole
thing is horrible and yet I am not sure how to not give back in to his
advances. He knows me well and knows my weaknesses. I sometimes feel like
this will never end until it ends in disaster; which is something I would
really like to avoid, for the kids sake and my own sanity.
I
also wonder what is it about me that makes me so unable to let go of a
person who hurt me so deeply I felt the wounds would never heal?
Apr 11, 2009 6:23 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I don't have the answers your questions -- but you are very insightful!
Your comments made me think of emotional infidelity....have you heard of
it? There's a blue link in the article about divorced partners being
friends above, called "emotional affairs."
Letting go
of your ex-husband may be the hardest thing you ever do -- and the
healthiest.
To have a healthy relationship with his new
girlfriend and family, he needs to give her his energy, time, and
attention.
Letting go of people is extremely difficult, even if
they're unhealthy for us. I suggest reading up on healthy separation and
divorce, and consider getting counseling to answer the questins you've
posed. Sometimes we just need an objective point of view to help us see
clearly!
Feb 2, 2007
