Setting Healthy Boundaries
How to Say No, Yes, and Never – And Not Feel Bad
She sued her boyfriend for $4,000 on The People's Court; Judge Milian ruled that she had no self-respect and unhealthy boundaries. Here's why Milian was outraged.
She – let’s call her Mary – met a guy over the Internet in August and lent him $4,000 in September. He lived three hours away; Mary drove to see him most weekends, stayed in a hotel, paid for dinners, and slept with him.
He didn’t pay her money back, so she sued him on The People’s Court. Judge Milian ruled in her favor, and declared Mary had no self-respect – and said she could write this script because it happens over and over again.
Women are taken advantage of because they don’t have healthy boundaries (men, too). They don’t have a sense of their own personal rights and freedoms. They don’t listen to their gut or their friends and family; they let people hit, intimidate, and demean them.
Are you one of those women? Have you checked your boundaries lately?
When you have healthy boundaries, you know who you are, what you want, and where you want to go. Setting healthy boundaries means you know how to say no without guilt, fear or anger. Setting healthy boundaries gives you a sense of control and power in your life.
What is a boundary? A healthy boundary is a space around yourself that gives you a sense of security and safety. Physical boundaries exist: you won’t let someone push, punch, kick or hit you (unless you have unhealthy boundaries). Emotional boundaries are important, too. For example, you won’t let people insult you, call you names, or tell you to where to go if you have healthy boundaries. Mental boundaries also exist; mentally healthy boundaries involve knowing that you have the freedom to express your opinions and thoughts without being ridiculed or judged.
Why are healthy boundaries important? Healthy boundaries let you choose who you allow into your space and how they treat you. Healthy boundaries help you figure out who you are – an individual separate from everyone else – and what treatment you’ll accept.
Healthy boundaries are important because they give you a clear sense of who you are. You know which emotions, thoughts, opinions, and feelings are yours when you have healthy boundaries. You can differentiate between yours and someone else’s feelings and opinions with a clear sense of yourself.
Healthy boundaries help you determine what you will and will not do.
When should you set your boundaries? The best time to set healthy boundaries is before they’re actually needed. It’s difficult to know and apply boundaries when someone is insulting or criticizing you.
How do you set healthy boundaries? Be honest with yourself. Figure out what you really, truly think and feel. Before you can express your true thoughts to others, you need to admit them to yourself. Figure out the difference between wanting love because you’re insecure and lonely, or wanting love because it’s a healthy expression of maturity and self.
You may need help with this, whether it's from a friend, mentor, or counselor. Expressing your true self may be one of the hardest things you'll ever do.
If you found Setting Healthy Boundaries helpful, you’ll like:
- Protecting Personal Boundaries
- The Confidence to be Yourself
- Cutting Ties With Friends
- Overcoming Fear of Intimacy
