What are Healthy Boundaries in Relationships?
The Importance of Saying "No" and Not Being a People Pleaser
Nov 3, 2007 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
People pleasers say "yes" when they mean "no", and don't have a sense of healthy boundaries. That is, they don't know how to set or defend their boundaries in work or personal relationships...and this "disease to please" can lead to unpleasant problems in life.
An Example of Unhealthy Boundaries
She – let’s call her Mary – met a man over the Internet in August and lent him $4,000 in September. He lived three hours away from her. Mary drove to see him most weekends, stayed in a hotel, paid for dinners, and slept with him.
He didn’t pay her money back, so she sued him on The People’s Court. Judge Milian ruled in her favor, and declared Mary had no self-respect. The Judge said she could write this script because it happens over and over again.
Some women are taken advantage of because they don’t have healthy boundaries (men, too!). People pleasers don’t have a sense of their own personal rights and freedoms. They don’t listen to their gut or their friends and family; they let people hit, intimidate, and demean them.
Are you a people pleaser? Have you checked your boundaries lately?
When you have healthy boundaries in work and personal relationships, you know who you are, what you want, and where you want to go. Setting healthy boundaries means you know how to say no without guilt, fear or anger. Setting healthy boundaries gives you a sense of control and power in your life.
What is a Healthy Boundary in a Relationship?
A healthy boundary is a space around yourself that gives you a sense of security and safety. Physical boundaries exist: you won’t let someone push, punch, kick or hit you (unless you have unhealthy boundaries). Emotional boundaries are important, too. For example, you won’t let people insult you, call you names, or tell you to where to go if you have healthy boundaries. Mental boundaries also exist; mentally healthy boundaries involve knowing that you have the freedom to express your opinions and thoughts without being ridiculed or judged.
Why Healthy Boundaries Are Important
Healthy boundaries let you choose who you allow into your space and how they treat you. Healthy boundaries help you figure out who you are – an individual separate from everyone else – and what treatment you’ll accept from other people.
Healthy boundaries are important because they give you a clear sense of who you are. You know which emotions, thoughts, opinions, and feelings are yours when you have healthy boundaries. You can differentiate between your own and someone else’s feelings and opinions when you have a clear sense of yourself.
Healthy boundaries help you determine what you will and will not do for other people.
When Should "People Pleasers" Set Boundaries?
The best time to set healthy boundaries is before they’re actually needed. It’s difficult to know and apply boundaries when someone is insulting or criticizing you! So, you need to make it clear from the start that you won't tolerate disrespectful behavior.
How Are Healthy Boundaries Set?
Setting boundaries involves fixing collapsed or unhealthy boundaries. To stop being a people pleaser, be honest with yourself. Figure out what you really, truly think and feel. Before you can express your true thoughts to others, you need to admit them to yourself. Figure out the difference between wanting love because you’re insecure and lonely, or wanting love because it’s a healthy expression of maturity and self.
You may need help with this, whether it's from a friend, mentor, or counselor. Expressing your true self may be one of the hardest things you'll ever do in life!
If you found What Are Healthy Boundaries? helpful, read:
Setting Healthy Boundaries
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