Protecting Personal Boundaries
How to Recognize Collapsed, Inflexible and Unhealthy Boundaries
Nov 4, 2007
A personal boundary is a space around yourself that gives you a clear sense of who you are and where you’re going. When you choose who you allow into your physical, emotional and mental space you’re activating your personal boundaries.
For example, if your mother or child asks for a ride to the mall and you can’t say no without guilt, then you’re not protecting your personal boundaries. If your colleague consistently sloughs off her work for you to do and you haven’t figured out how to stop, then you’re not protecting your personal boundaries.
The key to healthy relationships is a strong sense of personal boundaries. If your boundaries are collapsed or inflexible, your relationships will suffer.
Inflexible Boundaries
Personal boundaries can become rigid and unyielding – like “walls” between you and others. If you have inflexible boundaries, you may:
- Fear being hurt, vulnerable, or taken advantage of.
- Have difficulty identifying your wants, needs and feelings.
- Say no if requests involve close interaction with others.
- Avoid intimacy by staying freakishly busy, picking fights, or avoiding people (fear of intimacy).
- Refuse to share personal information.
- Fear abandonment or suffocation, and avoid close relationships.
- Struggle with loneliness, low self-esteem, distrust, anger, and control.
Collapsed Boundaries
Personal boundaries can become weak or even nonexistent. The proverbial “doormat” has collapsed boundaries. If you have collapsed boundaries, you may:
- Say yes to all requests because you fear rejection and abandonment.
- Tolerate abuse or disrespectful treatment.
- Feel you deserve to be treated poorly.
- Avoid conflict.
- Have no sense of who you are or what you feel, need, want and think.
- Not see flaws or weaknesses in others.
- Focus on pleasing those around you.
- Take on the feelings of others.
Healthy Boundaries
Personal boundaries are evident and effective when you know who you are, and treat yourself and others with respect. If you have healthy boundaries, you may:
- Feel free to say yes or no without guilt, anger or fear.
- Refuse to tolerate abuse or disrespect.
- Know when a problem is yours or another person’s – and refuse to take on others’ problems.
- Have a strong sense of identity.
- Respect yourself.
- Share responsibility with others, and expect reciprocity in relationships.
- Feel freedom, security, peace, joy and confidence.
How do you set healthy boundaries? Setting healthy boundaries involves taking care of yourself and knowing what you like, need, want, and don’t want. The best time to set personal boundaries is before they’re being encroached upon.
Two steps to healthy personal boundaries:
- Be honest with yourself with your true feelings and opinions.
- Share your feelings and opinions with others.
It’s easy on paper, but actually admitting how you feel to yourself and others may be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. An excellent way to help yourself is take time to think about the situation. Regarding family boundaries, for instance: if your mom asks you to take her to the mall for the 29th time this week and you can’t say no without guilt, tell her you need 15 minutes to think about her request. Use the time to figure out how you really feel and how to express it to her. Marriage boundaries can work the same way.
Then do it. It won’t be easy, but you’ll feel happy, liberated, and strong (and a little guilty at first) – and it will get easier and easier as everyone adjusts to your personal boundaries.
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