When a child clings or repeatedly expresses fear or refusal in separating from parents, there are ways to intervene to improve the situation.
Assess
It is important to first consider if your child has a psychological disorder. Extreme and recurrent behaviors or pre-occupations with separating that persist for 4+ weeks and interfere with the child’s functioning may indicate a separation anxiety disorder or related problem. If this is suspected, it is important to have the child evaluated by a psychologist.
If the behavior is not extreme nor impairing but is consistent or persistent enough to be troubling, it is likely not a full fledged disorder. Nonetheless, it warrants attention and intervention to make life more pleasant for parents and child.
Investigate
Discover if separation, clinging, related sadness or fear occurs in more than one place. Is it something restricted to daycare, school, or summer camp? If it is limited to one environment, it is possible that something problematic has evolved. Perhaps a close friend has found another playmate.
It is common for children to suddenly express dislike or fear of school or camp when there has been a shift in the child’s social interactions. This can be investigated by talking to child care personnel, teachers, or counsellors.
Intervene
Parents can also intervene directly in the following ways:
- Be patient and make separation as safe and pleasant as possible. This may require taking extra time in the morning so clinging behavior does not delay and stress mom or dad.
- Make time for extra hugs and cuddles in general. Perhaps taking a few additional moments to connect with the child will be all they require to feel more secure.
- Re-assure your child that you will see them later. Separation fears may exist in part because the child is (illogically) uncertain of a reunion.
- Re-assure the child you are leaving because you must and not because you do not love them or dislike being with them; separate leaving from loving.
- Explain that missing mom or dad is normal and hard but does not mean they cannot have other friends and different fun.
- Stick to routine as much as possible. Change is disruptive and may create anxiety in children. Parents can assist kids' general adaptation by minimizing irregularities especially surrounding separation.
- Do not capitulate or linger as this may reinforce the separation displays. After all from the child’s perspective, clinging pays off because mom and dad stay longer. So, leave them when you must and do it swiftly but lovingly.
Understand
In addition to being compassionate, it is important to identify the reasons for a child’s clinging or fears of separation. Something in the child’s social world may have changed. Children are sensitive to their surroundings and often respond in unusual ways.
A new job for mom or dad or any new stressors that affect home or routine can all de-stabilize a child. Anything that places more stress on mom or dad is likely contributing to the child’s general anxiety that may surface at times of separation.
To help a child deal with life transitions, it is important to discuss them, define new expectations or routines, and verbalize kids' feelings that are normal under the circumstances. Voicing and validating a child’s sadness or fears helps them feel understood, normal, and accepted. That alone alleviates pressure and re-connects parent and child. Making the child feel loved, safe, and worthy can help them grow naturally out of their fears of separation.
More for parents in Setting Limits for Kids or Children and Behavioral Problems.
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