Emotional Distance & Separation
When You No Longer Connect With Your Partner
Sometimes a partner is gone before they've left the room. Fear of intimacy is one predictor of emotional separation and distance...and eventual physical separation.
You know the feeling: your partner just isn't "there" somehow. You feel like you're talking to and sharing your honest feelings with a wall. When a response is offered, it's remote, guarded, lacking in intimacy - perhaps because of a fear of intimacy. Emotional distance can precipitate a physical break up; in fact, certain defense mechanisms could develop to protect feelings and guard against imminent pain in unhappy relationships.
This can happen on either side of the relationship, whether you're gearing up to leave…or be left.
Sigmund Freud developed the idea of defense mechanisms; his daughter Anna Freud conceptualized them. Check out the following mechanisms, which are written to reflect a conversation between a woman who has grown distant and a man who wants to reconnect. Note that these are just four of about twenty defense mechanisms.
She's Retreating, He's Advancing: Popular Defense Mechanisms
Projection. "Me, distant? No way! You're distant, you're hardly ever home, and you never initiate conversation." She assigns her feelings to him so she doesn't have to face them. They're pushed outside of herself, which alleviates anxiety and tension because her feelings are expressed and admitted – but not accepted as her own.
Denial. "You're crazy! We're just as close as we were when we got married. You don't know what you're talking about." She refuses to admit reality. You and she aren't as close now as you were when you first married, and you're certainly not crazy! This is the opposite of repression, which releases control from internal pressures. Denial releases control from external pressures.
Reaction formation. "Distant? But I love you and want to be near you all the time. Can we spent the weekend together, just the two of us?" She's convinced herself that there are no problems in the relationship; she loves you more than ever. True feelings are hidden because they're too hard to handle. She does a complete about face, becoming extremely solicitous, loving, and attentive.
Repression. "Distant? I have no idea what you're talking about. We talk every day, don't we?" She's forgetting her feelings. It's not a conscious, deliberate forgetting; it's unconscious. She may not even be aware that she's shutting him out; she just has a desire to subdue her impulses.
According to some psychoanalysts, repression is the "best" and most common way to combat sexual desires. Instead of admitting an attraction or sexual impulse it's easier to hold it in the subconscious.
So what do you do?
Accusing your partner of being defensive may not be the most effective method of facing the problem (if there is indeed one). Sometimes problems in communication are resolved, making the relationship healthy and strong. You could try inviting your partner to write or draw her feelings, which may be less intimidating than talking. You could gently suggest the existence of defense mechanisms and initiate an open, honest discussion. You could practice showing your love to your partner, which may eventually break down the barriers.
If you partner absolutely refuses to admit a problem exists, you may want to consider getting counseling or leaving the relationship. If you're unhappy and your partner can't meet you halfway, then it could be time to let go and reevaluate not only your relationship, but your life as well.
If you found this article helpful, you may also enjoy Emotional Affairs or Emotional Cheating.
